Magnets
by AlwaysMoreFun
Summary: The first time Allen Walker met Kanda Yuu he thought he was a girl. A very beautiful, very murderous girl, but a girl nonetheless. It wasn't until the elegant figure thrust their sword towards his head that Allen noticed they were indeed a man. A very angry, but still beautiful, man. It was in that moment that he found himself completely captivated by the untouchable samurai.


**Hello Hello!**

 **So this is the Yullen component to the Lavilena fic I upload last week "The Many Firsts of Lavi" as promised!**

 **I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you enjoy reading it! It's much longer than the Lavilena one sorry and it doesn't go quite as far into the future as that one more filling in the gaps of what was going on with Allen and Kanda in the same storyline.**

 **Thank you and enjoy!**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the sad beautiful gay children of DGM**

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xxxxx

The first time Allen Walker met Kanda Yuu he thought he was a girl.

A very beautiful, very captivating, very _murderous_ girl, but a girl nonetheless. It wasn't until the elegant figure thrust their sword towards his head with the grace of a vengeful flower that Allen noticed they were indeed a man. A very angry, very volatile, but still beautiful, man.

As the man's sword dangled dangerously close to Allen's face and he found himself staring into the most ridiculously cold pair of eyes he'd ever seen in his life he couldn't stop the thought that popped into his head.

 _There's worse ways to die._

It was in that moment that he found himself completely captivated by the untouchable samurai.

xxxxx

Kanda Yuu hated liars. He hated them more than he hated soggy soba, wilting flowers, ignorant fools, and people who cried. So when a giant living lie in the form of an idiotic beansprout came along it occurred to him that he might quite possibly hate him more than he hated all those things combined with _Akuma_ and The Earl himself. The kid was basically a walking contradiction spewing crap about hope and trust while hiding behind a façade that masked deep anguish and hatred. He wasn't just lying to everyone he ever came into contact with, he was lying to himself too and Kanda had no time to waste concerning himself with an idiot who couldn't even face his true feelings long enough to keep himself alive. He would last a month at most.

That was what he'd originally thought anyway, but as more time passed and the idiot still hadn't kicked the bucket Kanda found himself intrigued with the pale boy. He'd first noticed his inclination towards the white haired boy in Mater where he'd discovered his inability to simply let the fool die.

 _"I won't protect you."_ He'd said, " _we're destroyers not saviours"_ but still he'd found his body propelling itself in front of the broken boy protecting him even though he could barely stand himself.

Yes, Kanda Yuu hated liars, and that fact extended to himself as well.

xxxxx

Allen quickly found that Kanda was the most insufferable person he had ever had the displeasure of meeting. But sometimes, when Kanda was meditating in silence with that calm, content look on his face, or when he was flying through the air with the grace of a regal mountain lion, or when he was simply regarding his surroundings with the idle look of a curious man, Allen found himself enthralled by the man's odd beauty. It was easy to forget the horrifically abusive things that left the man's mouth when the pretty lips were twisted in such a way that made Allen feel his own mouth go dry. And it was equally as effortless to almost find the man pleasant when he was ignoring the younger male rather than screaming obscenities at him. It was becoming harder and harder for Allen to deny it lately; he was absolutely and utterly fascinated with Kanda Yuu.

He wasn't sure if he could say it simply extended to fascination anymore however, for the previous morning he had apparently been staring at the man eating for at least ten minutes before Lavi's loud laughter had broken him out of the trance. Allen wasn't sure if he'd ever live down the fact that he'd apparently been mooning over Kanda Yuu with drool leaving his mouth. To say he was infatuated with the other boy was probably a better statement. One Allen hated.

Now not only had Allen discovered he was apparently homosexual or bisexual or Kandaseuxal - whatever, but he was apparently a masochist too. Of all people in the order, no on the _planet_ , did he have to find himself with the hots for _Kanda Yuu?_ Kanda Yuu the rude, arrogant, _bastard_ who referred to him as the cursed boy and called him a stupid child. Kanda Yuu who couldn't seem to remember his damn name no matter how many times he told him _it's Allen!_ Kanda Yuu who had the subtlety and tact of a battering ram. Kanda Yuu who held himself with the grace of a jungle cat and moved with the beauty of a river. Kanda Yuu who saved his life more times than either of them cared to count and always came back for him _no matter what he said_. Kanda Yuu who always had his back in every fight and trusted him with his own life in return.

Damn.

Allen had it bad.

But who could anyone really blame him when the beautiful man stood there in those tight training pants with his incredible dark hair loose down his back, bent over to retrieve his fallen sword.

Allen groaned, he really, _really_ had started to hate sparring with Kanda.

xxxxx

It was almost eight months later when Allen saw Kanda again. The samurai was almost exactly the same as Allen remembered him: cold, focused, lethal and strong. And _oh_ was he beautiful, still as beautiful as that first day, so much so that even in the middle of a flat purple wasteland Allen still found himself taking a moment to catch his breath upon seeing the stunning man again. It wasn't exactly what one was supposed to do in that situation but god forbid if he could help himself.

Kanda couldn't say the same about the younger male.

Time had changed him. He was still as hopeful and annoying as ever but there was something else there. That darkness and inner turmoil he'd hidden so carefully upon their first meeting was slowly seeping to the surface. His face was darker, the bags under his eyes seemed more pronounced than before and his silver irises seemed to be seeing a sight too terrible for Kanda to even begin to imagine. The change was so obvious to Kanda that he was at a complete loss as to how everyone else had missed it. How had they missed the dark cloud of worry and pain that seemed to hang around to boy, he'd picked up on the boy's new attitude the moment he saw him. Maybe it was due to the battle preoccupying their minds, or the fact that Lavi and Lenalee had been in constant contact with the boy for the months he hadn't or maybe it was the stark contrast to his initial demeanour that caused Kanda to notice but whatever it was he found disturbing and frankly - it infuriated him. Trust the Beansprout to find a way to become more annoying.

However, as he watched Allen reassure the crying Lenalee with gentle words and soft touches, and the hopeful eyes Lavi pinned upon his clearly crumpled shoulders Kanda figured it out.

It wasn't that they hadn't noticed it was that Allen hadn't let them _see_.

That stupid mask was there as strong as ever fooling the entire world into false security, the entire world but Kanda that was.

Kanda could see all too well that the boy was fading and fading fast. He was far too fragile for the hope and faith that the other two and even the order pinned upon him. They were selfish, he realised, they wanted to believe that Allen was strong enough to protect them, to be the saviour he promised he would be, and Allen liked to pretend that he was strong enough too. He didn't want to be seen for the broken boy he really was.

Too troublesome, Kanda decided, one self-sacrificing fool was enough for this lifetime; he'd keep the stubborn idiot's true nature to himself for now. It had nothing to do with him anyway.

xxxxx

If there was one thing Allen would never forget it was Kanda's face as he stalked past the boy and said flatly, "if he loses control I'll kill him myself."

His cobalt eyes were boring into Allen's own devoid of any emotion, his mouth was set into a hard line and his face was as blank as a sheet of paper.

Allen supposed he should be thankful that someone at least had the nerve to acknowledge the fourteenth's existence in his body. While everyone else present had stood there in either shook or denial Kanda alone had calmly assessed the situation and said what was necessary. Yes, Kanda had given him an out if he ever did become the villain he so feared turning into all the while allowing him to keep making his promises to protect everyone.

So why was it that it felt like his heart was tearing open as he watched the swordsman walk away.

xxxxx

"Kanda would you just get off your bloody high horse and listen to me for once?" Allen snapped at the irate swordsman as he stalked down the Order's corridors.

Kanda ignored his pursuer and kept moving as fast as he could towards the training room. The last mission with the Beansprout had really wrung his nerves and he needed to beat the shit out of something before he let his rage consume him.

He couldn't explain or justify why he was so irritable, or why he'd felt his blood boil as he watched just about every single person focus their hopeful gaze towards the smaller boy upon their return he just did. The burning rage had only spread further and crept it's way into his chest when he'd seen the damn fake smile the idiot threw at Lenalee as she begged him to save the injured finder they'd brought home with them. What the hell did she think Allen was, a fucking doctor? He was an exorcist not a miracle worker why didn't anyone seem to understand that?

His irritation towards the unjustified hope people pinned upon the boy had been spiralling out of control lately. Why couldn't they see that the boy was too broken to even protect himself let alone everyone in the entire fucking world? Why did they expect so much from such an unstable and fragile person? Kanda couldn't understand, he just couldn't wrap his head around it nor dismiss it anymore. Everyone might've claimed they cared about Allen Walker or understood him but they didn't understand shit all they cared about was themselves and if that meant pushing a sixteen year old child to the point of breaking just to make themselves feel safe they had no problem doing it. Allen had bigger fucking things to worry about than some insignificant finder's life; everyone seemed to conveniently forget he was hosting the soul of a traitorous Noah when it suited them.

Kanda had had enough.

Every time Allen faked a smile or made a bullshit promise to a finder or suppressed his own feelings in favour of that crap gentlemen act Kanda felt a piece of his composure snapping. The mask used to make him irritated, then it started to make him angry, now it just made him plain _livid._

"Bakanda you bloody arsehole would just stop walking so fucking fast and _stop!_ " There it was, the real him, the person behind the mask, the one with the potty mouth and the English accent. Kanda had pissed him off enough that it fell. It used to catch him off guard but now he got some sick pleasure of forcing the boy out of whatever façade he'd built up and into his own cold harsh reality, _their_ cold reality.

He couldn't stand being near the boy any other way, when he was so much like _him._ The real or Black Allen, whatever, he could handle, he was irritating but he was easy to hate. Whatever the hell that mask was it reminded him of someone he'd rather forget, he didn't want to make the connection between the Beansprout and _him_ but sometimes he found himself slipping. Had the Beansprout always been this way? Was he always so forgiving yet ruthless or had the images of the two started to merge? Which one was the real Beansprout anymore? Was he really forcing the image of his lost friend onto the Beansprout or was it the other way around? He didn't know.

Allen was staring at him with those eyes the ones that promised to maim him as he stood breathing harshly, triumphant at finally getting the man to stop.

Something Kanda had realised recently was that Allen wasn't just broken, he was absolutely fucking _insane_. Kanda had always known that something was seriously off about the boy but he'd come to discover just how far the self loathing, twisted desires and fake out look on reality went. The worst part? The boy seemed to think he was perfectly sane. Kanda wasn't sure if anyone else had picked up on the boy's apparent lack of sanity. Lenalee definitely hadn't that was for sure, she was too busy mooning over who she thought he was. Maybe the Rabbit had, in-between his own annoying hormonal teenage pining over Lenalee, and that damn guard dog of the Sprout's too but were both unable to do anything about it due to their duties. Kanda supposed that meant the responsibility was left to him, a thought that was so ironic he wanted to laugh. An insane man soothing the worries of a more insane man, poetic even.

"The fuck do you want?" Kanda asked harshly, as coldly as he could muster.

Allen didn't even flinch, what else could Kanda expect from a boy who had resigned himself to the fact that no one in the entire world had ever truly loved him.

"I want to know why you keep avoiding me?" He sounded almost hurt, Kanda tried not to dwell on the stirring in his chest that reacted to the pain in the boys voice, "why won't you look at me?"

Kanda hated him. He hated that he was the only one who seemed to see past that damned infuriating act. He hated that the boy had made him into the very liar he so despised. He hated that he risked his own life to protect the stupid fool. He hated him for making him promise to be the one to kill him. He hated him for placing so much trust in him not to abandon or break him further. And he definitely hated him for looking at him with those wide silver eyes that seemed to plead with him to tell him it was ok, to tell him he wouldn't leave and it wasn't his fault his father was dead. He hated that he was the one he sought validation and forgiveness from. Kanda didn't even have the capacity to forgive himself.

"It hurts when I look at you." Kanda's voice was blunt as he turned and stalked away from the boy once again.

This time Allen didn't follow; he was too busy wondering what the other man had meant by the statement.

xxxxx

The weird thing about scars is that they don't fade. They stay forever, marring the once clean skin with disfigured colours, lines and surfaces. They don't stay the same either. Scars years old will change with a changing body, you grow, they grow. You stretch, they stretch. Your skin becomes darker, they stand out more starkly. Scars were permanent, say what you will about the often-ugly markings but you had to live with them, they were a part of you forever after all. Except for Kanda that was. Kanda didn't obtain scars because of his unnatural healing ability; this was why he always found himself shocked with the sheer number and brutality of the Sprout's scars.

Curiosity had gotten the better of him once and he'd asked, "How they fuck do you manage to collect so many damn scars, Beansprout?"

The white haired boy seemed to consider for a moment after his initial outburst of "it's Allen, Bakanda!" taking the time to think about each and every one of his markings it appeared. He eventually shrugged, "guess because I fight to protect with all I have."

Kanda snorted, "or with zero regard for your own life."

Allen frowned at the other man, "what?" He demanded indignantly, "Is there anything wrong with that?"

Kanda just about gaped openly at the boy, just short of seventeen years old and seeing his life as something expendable. It twisted his gut and he fought to urge to be sick, he had to remind himself he hated this boy and this was the life they had been stuck with, whether they chose it or not. They were all going to hell sooner or later; it just seemed to be the first for the Sprout.

"Yes," He said bluntly, _there is so fucking much wrong with that,_ "but it has nothing to do with me."

Allen sniffed darkly, "of course it doesn't."

xxxxx

The disgusting smell of death filled the stale air around them. Allen could see Lavi amidst a pile of _Akuma_ corpses covered in their blood as he swung his hammer through the air in a graceful arc. Every so often Link's blond plait passed across his vision as he fought in his blind spot. He could hear the sounds of a _katana_ cutting the air as Kanda worked through the onslaught of monsters. The thought quickly passed through Allen's mind that the three of them must've killed every single monster in the area.

Allen focused his attention on the level two in front of him, bringing his sword down to cleanse the unsightly monster of it's evil dwelling. He felt a sense of comfort knowing he was sending tortured souls to the next world, he knew the others thought he was sick for feeling so but he couldn't help it. Seeing those disgusting creatures finally find their happiness brought him his own, made him feel human, it was just the way it was.

"Yuu!" Allen heard Lavi call out to the other man as he brought his own weapon down again.

The white headed male turned in the direction of the swordsman and found himself washed in confusion. Kanda was swinging his sword with his left hand, still bringing it down in a graceful arch but that wasn't what caught Allen's attention. Kanda was standing weirdly, his right arm dangling uselessly by his side. Allen couldn't understand the scene. What was wrong with his arm, why wasn't he using it? The sea of corpses around the man painted a picture so familiar to Allen, Kanda was a lethal force of nature, so why was he panting so heavily? Why wasn't he turning to fend off the level two coming up behind him? Allen heard Lavi shout something that sounded like Kanda's name, more urgently this time, and suddenly Allen was moving.

He was running before he told his limbs to do so, reaching towards the strong man as his hair flowed gracefully in the wind. Allen didn't understand why he was running because everything was going to be fine. Everything was going to ok because it was Kanda. He was going to kill that monster because Kanda Yuu wouldn't let himself be taken out by something as weak as a level two.

And suddenly Allen was reaching forward with his sword as some sort of strangled cry escaped from his throat.

Time seemed to freeze as he lunged the last metre towards the man and found himself in the path of the attack as Kanda _finally_ noticed the creature. The last thing Allen saw before the searing agony ripped through his body and caused him to pass out were Kanda's eyes wide with terror.

xxxxx

Allen had once come across Kanda in the cafeteria in the wee hours of the morning on one of the rare occasions the two would cross paths in the Order somewhere other than the training room. Kanda had just returned from a month long mission and was apparently too hungry to wait for appropriate eating hours, not that Allen could say any different as that was exactly what he was doing there.

Kanda snorted upon seeing Allen, "still eating like an obese whale I see." His voice held an air of amusement and Allen froze instantly.

Sometimes Allen came into contact with Kanda and something about the man seemed different, as though he'd forgotten to place a very important wall in the fortress he maintained around his heart. It was a slight change, something about the way his eyes seemed more expressive and how his voice held the tiniest hint of emotion, but Allen always picked up on it. He picked up on everything the man did.

That day in the cafeteria in the cool light of early morning Allen told Kanda Yuu "I think you're beautiful."

Kanda simply watched him with a blank stare, hiding any reaction from Allen's scrutiny. After a few moments passed in which Allen's heart thumped harder than a bass drum Kanda finally said, "I hate you." And he meant it.

Allen stared back unaffected by the biting words, ignoring the way they stung some place deep within his chest as he delivered them. Instead he tried, "I think I might be in love with you." And Kanda knew he meant that too.

The two regarded each other in silence before Kanda snorted, rolled his eyes and silently walked towards the doors of the cafeteria.

"Goodnight, Beansprout."

xxxxx

The first thing Allen was aware of when he finally opened his eyes over two weeks later was how bright it was. Was the world always this damn _bright_? He could barely open his eyes at all and the blinding brightness of the day made it near impossible for him to grasp anything with his infringed vision. The shock of the light eventually subsided and his eyes focused on his surroundings, the infirmary at the order becoming the first thing his eyes see after weeks of darkness. The downside to regaining his vision was that he became aware of his other senses too, namely his nerves which felt like they had been through the wringer.

His upper chest was on fire, burning with the pain of severed nerves and muscle that he knew would last longer than just a few weeks. His right arm felt like it had been caught inside a vice long enough for the bone to be crushed and his head pounded with a steady rhythm causing him to feel woozy. He wondered if he was really alive after all.

He was slowly regaining his coherence and the memories of the encounter that had left him in this state came to his mind immediately.

He had thrown himself in front of Kanda Yuu. _Oh god._ If Kanda didn't already hate him then he surely did now. He'd lived seventeen good years; he shouldn't be too greedy right?

That was why he found himself trying to get out of his dank bed in the infirmary and find the swordsman in question. A pair of hurried footsteps startled him and wild eyes focused on him with anger, "Allen Walker you will not move from that bed or I will personally see to it that you have to stay there forever!" Ah yes, the head nurse as pleasant as ever.

The boy laid himself back into position grudgingly, wincing as he pulled at the healing skin on his chest. He turned his gaze towards the fuming woman, "how long have I been asleep?"

She regarded him with a hard expression, "almost three weeks." Allen moved to protest in shock and she shoved his shoulder down harshly, "I said no moving!"

Allen huffed as he settled back down again. Three weeks? That was ridiculous! The wound hadn't been that bad surely? And where the hell was Kanda?

Allen decided to ask just that, "um…" He started, "where are the others?"

"Others?" The nurse asked in confusion.

"That were on the mission with me." Allen clarified.

The nurse huffed indignantly, "how should I know? The surly Japanese boy brought you here with that meddling Bookman and I haven't seen him since."

"Kanda was here?" Allen asked too eagerly.

The nurse didn't notice, too busy fussing with Allen's head wound, " _yes_ , but only long enough to dump you on me then leave briskly. No manners from that one I tell you what! He ought to be more mindful of the work I pu-"

"Yuu-kun's just bad at expressing his gratitude, Ms. Head Nurse." Her rant was interrupted by the soothing voice of an elderly man with unruly hair and round glasses, "you should know that by now." He winked at the woman and she appeared to calm down.

"You should teach him how to express it then, Tiedoll." She huffed as she finished up with Allen and swept towards the door, "move again and I'll tie you to the bed" was her parting threat before she disappeared from sight.

Allen watched her go with a mixture of fear and respect before he found his gaze resting upon the General. _Kanda's_ General. "Um… hello." Allen said stupidly, unsure of how to handle the kind man, his only experience with General's came from the devil's spawn known as Cross.

Tiedoll smiled softly, pulling up a chair next to the injured boy's bed and lowering himself into it gracefully. He was an odd man, Allen thought, nothing like one would expect from such a powerful exorcist, but he guessed the same could be said about his own General. The thing he found most confusing about the man was the way he treated his disciples as his own children, having had nothing of the sort from Cross he wondered what it would've been like to grow up under this gentle man like Kanda and Marie had. He imagined it had to beat gambling and womanising with Cross.

"I'm glad to see you're well, Allen." The way he said his name was full of warmth and Allen found himself uncomfortable with the affection behind it, "I couldn't stand it if you didn't wake up after protecting my Yuu-kun!"

"Uh…" Allen managed eloquently, he cleared his throat and tried again, "I didn't protect him I was just… there…"

It was then that Tiedoll fixed him with an odd sort of smile, one full of emotion much the same as the way his name had sounded on his tongue and he realised, _Tiedoll knew._ Allen felt sick. The weight of the knowing smile and the fatherly affection was suffocating Allen and he wanted nothing more than the floor to open up and swallow him whole.

 _God, this is the worst, what did I ever do to deserve this._

Tiedoll seemed oblivious to Allen's inner turmoil and simply continued smiling in that embarrassing manner, "well, regardless I'm glad you were."

Allen, too embarrassed to do anything other than stare at the _very_ interesting hospital floor, nodded shortly.

"I appreciate you looking out for Yuu-kun" _please stop talking I can't take this anymore,_ "he seems to think he's invincible because he's got his healing powers." Tiedoll seemed sad as he said this and Allen could relate, "so I truly," his voice was breaking and Allen's yearning to die intensified, "am thankful that you took pressure off his healing power even just a little bit! He won't listen to me when I tell him to be more careful, I only hope he'll take his own life more seriously now that this has happened!"

"That what has happened?" Allen asked bluntly, dreading the answer but unable to stop himself from asking.

Tiedoll clapped his hands together in excitement, "that there's someone looking out for him and who cares enough to protect him!"

"I don-" Allen began to protect but Tiedoll steamed on ignoring him.

"It's just wonderful, isn't it?" He really wasn't asking his opinion Allen decided, "Yuu-kun finally has someone to rely on again, ah, to be honest I did think this would happen when I first saw you two together!"

Allen was numb to the situation and figured he couldn't make it worse by satisfying his own curiosity, "what do you mean?"

Tiedoll smiled serenely, furthering Allen's apparent repulsion to fatherly feelings of adoration, "it was obvious! Yuu-kun really acted differently around you from the beginning, he usually simply ignores everyone but he took the time to banter-" Allen had to fight the urge to snort "-with you. He even gave you that adorable nickname!"

"Nickname?" Allen asked in awe, "I'd hardly call that a nickname!" He reiterated.

Tiedoll fixed him with a look that seemed to say _honey_ and Allen honestly wanted nothing more than the fling himself out of the infirmary window. He would've done it to if not for the fact that the head nurse would've retrieved his half dead mangled body and dragged him back to finish the excruciating conversation he was currently having.

Allen decided it wasn't worth arguing with the romantic man, "yep, ok, well thanks for your… thanks… it was my pleasure." Allen wanted to hit himself at how he'd just fuelled the man's fire by sounding eager.

"I'm truly glad you're ok, Allen."

The old man started to remove himself from the room and Allen found himself calling after him before he could stop himself, "where is Kanda?"

Tiedoll faltered momentarily, turning to Allen with a rue look, "he left for Peru the day after you returned. He hasn't come back since." Allen frowned in confusion and Tiedoll smiled tightly, "I'm glad you care for him and I ask you to be patient… he may take a while to get used to the idea…" Tiedoll straightened again and his bright smile returned, "rest well, Allen!" And with that he was gone.

Allen flopped back against his bed sheets and turned on his side. His head was racing and he almost laughed when he realised a simple fact.

 _Tiedoll had just given him permission to date his son._

xxxxx

Lavi had been hysterical when Allen had told him about the conversation with Tiedoll two days later upon his visit to Allen in the infirmary. He regretted telling him immediately and hoped Link would be back soon as the red headed man sat there slapping his knee and rolling back and forth in the chair. He felt instantly better when the chair gave way and Lavi was sprawled across the floor in a mess of gangly limbs.

Lavi sobered up quickly and moved silently back to the chair, fixing Allen with a serious look, "first things first, Al." Allen waited, "have you told Lena about this conversation with Tiedoll?"

Allen frowned in confusion, "no? What does it have to do with Lenalee?"

Lavi seemed to sigh in relief which confused Allen further, "ok, can you please just keep this from her for the time being at least?"

Allen became more confused by the second, "I was planning on it… but why did you bring Lenalee up anyway?"

A singular green eye reproached him for reasons he didn't understand as a voice simply said, "oh Al, you really are a fool."

Indignation rose up in Allen and he opened his mouth to protest but found he really didn't know what against so he closed his mouth again. All he knew was that Lavi had insulted him, he wasn't sure what over but he was sure of that. He secretly hoped the chair legs would break this time.

"Forget that!" Allen spat, ignoring the fool comment, "what the hell am I supposed to do _now?"_ Allen all but wailed on the final word.

Lavi regarded him sombrely, "well, I would suggest that you don't suddenly spring your feelings on Yuu," Lavi smiled wryly, "you know how he is."

"Then what the hell _should_ I do?" Allen demanded in despair.

"If you'd calm down and _listen"_ Lavi fixed him with a glare, "you'd know."

Allen shut his mouth and waited, this seemed to satisfy the one eyed boy. He clapped his hands together, "do not despair little one I do believe that not all hope is lost!"

"Why was hope lost in the first place?" Allen cut in.

" _Allen."_ Lavi said shortly, apparently fed up with Allen's interruptions. The smaller boy ducked his head in a show of silence, " _as I said_ hope is not lost! Yuu, it seems, is not as indifferent to you as he would have you believe!" Allen opened his mouth to comment and Lavi quickly shut him up with a glare, "while I cannot conclusively say what goes on in that pretty little head of his, no one can, I can tell you that if Yuu was completely indifferent to your existence you jumping in front of that attack for him would not have affected him in any manner more than slight irritation. He would've simply stared at you with contempt then promptly left you to die due to your stupidity."

Allen frowned at the stupidity comment, not really having any grounds to fight it, " _however_ , that is not what our adorable Yuu-chan did! _No!_ " He said grandly, surprising Allen with the sudden volume, "instead he practically threw a _fit_ yelling about your idiocy before he _personally_ carried your useless-" Lavi was clearly more pissed about Allen's martyr complex than he'd originally led on "-body back here with him, not letting anyone, not even Mr. Two Dot, handle you. He then proceeded to bring you here himself and yell at the nurse to fix you before storming out and immediately leaving on the first mission available."

Allen was silent for a moment before he said slowly, "ok, yes, I understand all that, but he still left immediately so he obviously doesn't care all that much regardless."

Lavi sighed dramatically in a way that suggested he was suffering, "Al," he fixed the younger boy with a stern look, "the reason Yuu left immediately was to avoid you."

Allen frowned, "what? Why would he avoid me?"

"Oh my god do I have to explain everything to you?" Lavi exclaimed irately, "Because if he avoids you then he doesn't have to face whatever it is that he feels for you."

"…And what does he feel for me?"

Lavi smiled tightly, "can't answer that one, Al, only Yuu can."

Allen growled in frustration, "well that's helpful because _he isn't here!"_

"He will be, he can't hide forever."

xxxxx

And Lavi was right because exactly two months, one week and three days later Allen heard the news that Kanda and his team had returned to the order with the retrieved innocence.

That wasn't to say that Allen saw the man, however, it seemed that in his months of hiding Kanda had gotten quite good at the whole avoiding act. He suspected irrationally that he may have gotten tips from Cross.

Allen was starting to think he hadn't returned at all and Miranda had just been delusional when she prattled on about how Kanda had snapped at her for dropping her stack of papers upon his arrival home.

It wasn't until four days later of Allen hearing _'you just missed him buddy!'_ and _'I could've sworn he was just in the training room'_ that he finally snapped at the only person he could think of and demanded to know where the swordsman was hiding.

" _Lavi!"_ Allen yelled in anger, "tell me where the _bloody hell_ he is _now!_ "

Lavi laughed uncomfortably, pushing his noodles around nervously in his bowl, "who Al?"

Allen just about punched his friend there and then, " _you're_ the one who told me he was going to stop avoiding me! _You're_ the one who told me we had to talk! Well guess what Lavi? I can't freaking talk to him because I have _no idea_ where the _bloody hell_ he is!"

Link watched the scene with detached amusement from Allen's side as faithfully as ever, while Lavi stared around frantically for any salvation. He found it in the form of the only person both Allen and Kanda ever backed down to. "Lena!" He called, "help me!"

Allen dropped his grip on Lavi's shirt front as though it was a hot piece of coal when he heard the familiar snap of, "Allen!"

He turned sheepishly toward his friend, "oh, hi Lenalee. Nice day."

She watched him through half lidded eyes and turned her attention to Lavi, "I'm guessing you did something to warrant this reaction from him," Lavi opened his mouth to protest but decided against it, she turned her gaze back to Allen, "what's your problem?"

Allen considered for a moment before asking, "do you know where Kanda is?"

Lenalee frowned but didn't seem all that surprised by the question, which Allen took as confirmation that he'd found his answer. Upon her hesitation to answer Allen pushed, "come on Lenalee, I just want to talk to him!"

Lavi watched the scene with a nervous expression that Allen couldn't quite understand and Link's mouth seemed tighter than usual. Lenalee regarded Allen with an unreadable expression for a moment before sighing, "he's in the forest behind the left wing."

"Thank you!" Allen exclaimed, making his way instantly towards the cafeteria doors only to be stopped by Lenalee again.

"Be careful, Al. He told me not to tell you where he was if you ever asked," she smiled ruefully, "just be careful with him, ok?"

Allen hesitated for a beat then smiled brightly, "got it." He said before taking off towards the swordsman.

If Allen had stayed a moment longer he would've heard Lenalee sigh wistfully and utter, "be happy" softly, heard only by Lavi, who was listening intently to the beautiful girl, and Link, who had decided he hadn't seen Allen Walker leave the cafeteria and the boy was simply asleep in his room.

Allen ran as quickly as his legs could carry him towards the forest where he knew Kanda sometimes trained when he wanted to be left alone. He immediately spotted the man training silently, shirtless with his sword unsheathed. Allen felt his mouth go dry at his first sighting of the man he'd been longing for in months. He immediately regretted his decision to face him, which only intensified when Kanda flinched upon catching sight of the intruding boy.

 _No turning back now_ he thought briefly.

"Didn't realise you were home." Allen said bluntly, not having meant to sound as accusatory as he did but unable to control his emotions any longer.

Kanda merely turned away from the other man and continued his sword movements.

Allen bristled, "so you weren't going to tell me? Even though we live together? You had to know I'd run into you eventually."

Kanda stopped moving, facing Allen again with a blank look, "why should I tell you?" Kanda asked coldly, "I never have in the past. What's it to you anyway?"

Something inside the white haired man snapped and his voice was harsh, "because I almost _died_ protecting your sorry arse and I thought I'd never _bloody_ see you again! That's what it is to me you arsehole!"

Kanda twitched but kept his voice level and steady, maintaining his air of indifference, the complete opposite of Allen's emotional outburst, "I never asked you to protect me. I can protect myself."

Allen stared at the other man for a moment, considering his answer, before deciding upon honestly, "you didn't." He reaffirmed shortly, "but I wanted to."

It was then Kanda's dam broke and he was screaming at Allen, eyes like a terrified wild animal as he yelled furiously, "You _wanted_ to? What the hell is that?" He laughed humourlessly, the sound grated on Allen's ears, "I can _heal,_ Beansprout, I would've been _fine!_ "

Allen screams back, caught up in the wave of emotions rolling off the older boy, "I don't want that!" He yelled, "I don't want you wasting your life force like that, Kanda! I don't want you throwing away your precious time like that! I don't want you to die!" The fight left him as he uttered the last sentence and he found himself breathing heavily, suddenly too tired to muster anything but a simple repetition, small this time, of "I don't want you to die."

The silence that followed was deafening. Allen found himself breathing heavily as he watched Kanda stare a hole into the cool dirt, looking anywhere but at _him_ really. The wind blew the swordsman's long hair in a graceful arc and Allen wanted to cry, even in the midst of this he still found the other man utterly and heartbreakingly beautiful. Maybe that was what he intended to do, break Allen's heart right here right now.

Kanda spoke so softly that Allen was almost sure he imagined it so he asked, "what?" Hesitantly and the other man gave him a glare so frightful it could kill and repeated, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

Allen frowned in confusion, "what do you mean?"

Kanda growled in frustration, " _I mean_ I don't know what you want me to do now! I have no idea what you want from me!" _Please tell me what you want me to do._

Allen watched the way the swordsman's eyes seem to be searching his own face for answers and he says bluntly, braver than he remembered being, "I just want you, Kanda. I only want you."

And then the world seemed to spring to life as Kanda pressed him into the tree directly behind him, twigs and jagged bark digging into his shoulder blades as the man forced his body into the stature. And suddenly Kanda was kissing him. His lips crushing down painfully on Allen's own open mouth, drawing blood as the force smashes Allen's lip into his tooth. Allen responded instantly, bringing his hands up to the other mans hair and digging them into the soft roots there, relishing in the feeling of the real thing. He didn't dwell long on the feeling as he founds himself distracted by Kanda's sword calloused hands running their way slowly up his back, under his shirt, leaving a trail of fire where ever they touch.

It goes on for a while before Kanda finally pulled away with a sharp curse and a hand to his mouth as if confused by what had just occurred. His eyes were those of a wild animal as he stared at Allen. When Allen took a step towards him he stumbled backwards, holding up a hand in defense, "don't," he snapped frantically, "stay where you are!"

Allen ignored him and continued forward, arms reaching as he came to stand before the other man. He placed his hand gently on the chest of the terrified man, tracing every action with his eyes in frozen horror, and smiled softly into his face. "I don't want to protect you, Kanda, I know you can protect yourself, I just-" he broke off, staring at the other man's confused but still tense face before continuing, "I just want to stay by your side. Can you let me do that?"

A million emotions passed through the swordsman's dark blue eyes, confusion, shock, anger, sadness, as he considered the seemingly simple but incredibly hard request. He finally settled upon a look that shot a ray of hope through Allen's chest and said as gently as Kanda can say, "yes."

And that's that. Kanda Yuu had given Allen Walker permission to stay by his side and that was all he needed.

xxxxx

It was a few weeks later, when they were sitting side by side on Allen's bed; they never lay on Kanda's bed for he doesn't want the sheets to be messed up, that Allen suddenly said to his companion, "you love me."

It wasn't a question.

A moment of quiet passed in which Kanda regarded him idly, _yes,_ his eyes said eventually.

"I'm sorry." Allen's voice was soft, Kanda said nothing, "I love you."

There was a long stretch of silence where the only sound that could be heard was the soft rustling of Timcanpy somewhere in Allen's drawers. Kanda turned his head upwards in a slow motion, sending his long hair in waves down his bare chest, and brings it back down to rest upon his hand thoughtfully. Finally he turned his gaze back to Allen's silver eyes and said bluntly, "I know."

xxxxx

* * *

 **Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and it wasn't too OOC!**

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 **xoxoxoxo**


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